Parentnoid

Dr. Marty and Patty Baker | Deuteronomy 6:5-7, 9 | February 21, 2010

Good morning and welcome to Stevens Creek Church. We are so glad that you are here today. I would like to welcome all those in our Grovetown Campus.
If you are visiting today, you are here on a special day … it’s not often that I am joined on stage with my wife Patty. She is here today as the color commentator. You sports junkies know that a color analyst will assist the play-by-play announcer by filling in any time when play is not in progress. So Patty you can jump in most any time.
Patty: Well, how about now?
Marty: It’s a little early in the game. I think that I have it under control.
Well today we are continuing our series called Relationslips. We are calling that because we know that our relational world can be quite slippery at times.
Last week Dave taught on marriage and today’s talk is on parenting. Patty and I have three kids…one in high school, one in college and one just entered in the workforce (Praise the Lord). We have seen the challenges of parenthood change with each season of our lives.
We are not experts in parenting and we are not perfect parents. I would probably feel more comfortable doing this talk in about ten years. We still have the normal conversations like: what time are you getting home, whose house are you staying at, who will be there, where are you going on spring break and my favorite one: who’s going to pay for this?
Patty:
We know the struggles of late nights and early mornings. We know the challenges of trying to get three kids to their basketball games that just happened to be played at the same time at different gyms. I know the hassles of getting three kids ready for church on a Sunday morning. Marty does not know that challenge because he has to be here early or maybe I should say, “Gets to be here early.”
I have a deep appreciation for the single parents here. I know that it’s hard to raise children with a spouse; I can’t imagine what you go through alone. Thanks for encouraging faith in your children.
Marty:
Today we are going to make it real and we are going to deal with issues that all of us parents face or one day we will face. We are going to use four drama sketches to help us in our conversation. The first on involves a step-mom and her 13 year old daughter. See if this has ever happened to you.
Entitlement Written by Margaret Hogan, © 2009 Willow Creek Community Church
A step-mom (Lori) and her 13 year old step-daughter (Hannah) sit together on a couch. Lights come up mid-conversation.
Hannah: (excitedly) Cell phone!
Lori: No!
Hannah: Pleeeeeease.
Lori: No.
Hannah: But Allie has one.
Lori: She is 16. She got it when she got her license. For emergencies.
Hannah: Right. Because the only time she ever uses her phone is for emergencies.
Lori: Allie has a job.
Hannah: So?
Lori: So. So she pays for part of her bill each month. Do you have a job?
Hannah: This is so unfair. I bet my real mom would buy me a phone.
Lori: Watch it, Hannah! We’re not playing that game. And to tell you the truth, I don’t think she would.
Hannah: I just can’t believe you won’t get me a cell phone. All of my friends have one.
Lori: Well maybe their parents will buy you one. As of now, I don’t think you need a phone. I think you can survive with our house phone, email, and your little … ‘myface’ thing-y.
Hannah: Oh, my gosh, Lori. It’s MySpace and Facebook. Not MyFace. You are so lame. Pleeeeeease. Don’t you care about my life? I will be the only one without a phone. I’ll be such a loser. I’ll miss out on things. I can’t believe you don’t care at all.
Lori: I care. I care a lot. But you are not getting your own cell phone.
Hannah: WHY?! It’s not like you can’t afford it!
Lori: That’s right. Your father and I can afford it. But we don’t want to. We feel like when you are old enough to have a job, be responsible and pay part of the bill, you can get a phone.
Hannah: So you’re telling me that I can’t have a phone right now.
Mom: That is what I am saying.
Hannah: And that even when I do, I have to pay for part of it.
Mom: Correct.
Hannah: Unbelievable. I can’t believe this. You are the worst parents ever.
Lights out. [applause]
Marty:
Wow…the worst parents ever! Okay Patty, we know that this conversation is really not about a cell phone, but it has to do with fitting in which is huge in middle school. It has to do with being socially accepted. Not wanting to walk around school with the big loser ‘L’ on your forehead.
Patty:
In seventh grade, that’s a big deal. And it feels like a big deal to a seventh grader looking for a cell phone. Wanting to belong is not a ridiculous desire…for middle schoolers or adults. But, what we see in this drama is not only a desire to fit in, but a sense of entitlement.
Now, before we talk about this, let me say that I work in our student ministries and we have perfect kids here at Stevens Creek so I am not talking about them.
But if you look outside, you might be surprised just how widespread this entitlement phenomenon is.
Marty
Actually, I think the most fascinating research on this comes in a book called Generation Me. It is all about how pervasive the entitlement mindset is on this upcoming generation, and kind of how it came about, how it happened.
Most adults in this room probably grew up hearing things like: Nothing’s free; everything comes at a cost. You have to earn things to deserve things.
And at the same time, it’s the adults in this room who have raised a whole generation that simply believes they deserve things.
Now, there are obviously exceptions to every general trend, but most of our kids are growing up at a time where you get smiley face stickers simply for turning in your assignment. We know that teachers should not use red ink because that damages your self-esteem. Instead use purple ink.
How many of you have had kids play in the Columbia County Recreation League? All of our kids did. In fact, I was a coach for nine years. Here’s what happens: every child gets a trophy at the end of the season. It does not matter if you had a winning record or not. Our closets are full of trophies that we paid for.
What we see in this practice is that affirmation and praise is not necessarily linked to performance.
Patty
A lot of you folks grew up in a time when kids were meant to be ‘seen and not heard.’ But the pendulum has swung too far, and now kids have a big tantrum when they’re walking out of the grocery store and they want that piece of candy. So, really good, really loving, well-intending parents give in…like Marty.
Kids are really smart. They learn the lesson: I get things because I demand things. Then we act surprised when a middle school student feels like, I deserve a cell phone because I want a cell phone.
Or a high school student feels like, you owe me a car because I’m capable of driving.
Now, we really shouldn’t blame the students; this is the way that they’ve been taught to see reality.
Marty
Let me ask a question: How many of you have ever seen American Idol? If you been here at The Creek long enough, you know that Patty and I are huge Idol fans.
Some of you, if you were really honest, would say that you actually like to watch the beginning of the season because you enjoy the world’s worst singers more than you enjoy the world’s best.
What’s really fascinating is that when a panel of judges tells the young William Hungs of the world that they simply cannot sing, these young contestants respond as though they are shocked. Then, they become defiant and they feel like they deserve to win, even if they cannot sing a single note of music. Then, Simon tells them to hit the road and they walk outside there will be a loving mom or dad there who’ll put their arms around them and say, “You did great.”
You see, these young contestants have grown up hearing: “You can be anything you want to be. You’re awesome. You’re special. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”
Somebody needs to speak truth in them, but instead, we have taught our kids that they deserve it. In the worst cases, some even feel like you owe it to them. I am all about building up a child’s self-esteem, but we need to be truthful. Here’s the question: Have they earned the right to be on the stage? Love might be unconditional, but most things in life have to be earned.
We have the responsibility to teach our kids that in the real world, things must be earned. You don’t get smiley faces just for showing up. It’s our job, as parents, to prepare them for the real world. Patty, how do you do that?
Patty:
One of the things that I believe is a cure for this kind of entitlement is simple gratitude. Teach them to say, “Thank you.” Make sure that they learn to appreciate the blessings that they have been given.
In addition to that, kids need to be taught responsibility. In a family, everyone needs to contribute. Everyone needs to share the responsibility. This means that kids need regular responsibilities around the house.
Through the years, I have been better at this than Marty. In fact, sometimes I feel that Marty is working against me. I tell my kids that your room is 80% clean when you make up the bed.
Recently, I’ve noticed that Samuel’s bed has been made-up almost every day, but I don’t think that Samuel is very involved in the process. I think that Marty is doing it for him.
(Pointing to Marty) Now, if you keep this up, when he is thirty, he is going to be coming to you wanting you to cut his grass. Kids need responsibilities. They need chores.
Marty
A couple of weeks ago, Sarah, our soon to be college-graduate, called and told us about her job as a part-time nanny. She was surprised when she told one of the kids to clean up her room and the response was simple: that’s the maid’s job. There’s danger ahead.
Parents have to teach responsibility. It’s important for us to help our children stand on their own two feet and learn to be responsible. Work and responsibilities have a way of easing the entitlement battles.
Patty owns her own business and all three of our kids work for her. They have to turn in a time-sheets. If they need extra money, then she tells them to work more hours. A few weeks ago, I asked Stuart if he wanted a raise. I told him that if he would go in an hour earlier every day, he would make more money. He is a quick learner. The next day, he was at the office an hour earlier.
SLIDE:
If we are going to prepare our kids for the real world, then we need to teach them how to be responsible and how to make wise choices.
One of the great teachers of wisdom is consequences. So often we as parents want to shield our kids from consequences. Take a look at this.
The Problem of Rescue Written by Margaret Hogan, © 2009 Willow Creek Community Church
Set: Living Room & Door
Two parents have just entered their home. Dad has collapsed in a chair and Mom remains at the door. They are distressed. They are at odds with each other.
Mom: Well?
Dad: Well.
Mom: That’s it. Why aren’t you angry, Mark? This is a big deal. You didn’t say anything the
whole ride home.
Dad: I think it was a stupid mistake.
Mom: A stupid mistake? A stupid mistake is forgetting your homework at home. This was
clearly planned, thought through, and done very much on purpose.
Dad: He shouldn’t have done it.
Mom: Mark, he may be convicted! This will go on his record. Forget college. Forget jobs. He’s closing doors and he doesn’t even know it. I don’t think he even cares. (switches into action mode) So what are we going to do? Maybe we need to call a lawyer in the morning.
Dad: Laura …
Mom: (annoyed) What?!
Dad: (calmly) I told you at the station. WE are not going to do anything. At least not yet.
Mom: (frantically) What does that mean? He’s our son. It’s our job to protect him. People are
going to judge him and they are going to judge us and … (regaining some composure) You don’t think it’s our responsibility to help him out?
Dad: I think we can help him. But not help him out. Not out of the situation. Not out of the
consequences.
Mom: (desperate) But … but …
Dad: He’s very smart. This was his idea. His unfortunately illegal idea. He’s not a victim. Laura, he hasn’t even told us he’s sorry. He hasn’t asked us for help; he expects it.
Mom: What?
Dad: Because we’ve shown him that it’s easier on us if we bail him out. Let me ask you: Did he ever pay us back when we had to buy him a new laptop? And we look the other way when he drinks.
Mom: So, all this is our fault?
Dad: No. That’s not what I’m saying. But if we don’t help him learn how to handle the
consequences of bad choices, we aren’t really helping him to grow up.
Mom: So what are we supposed to do?
Dad: I think … I think we just tell him the truth.
Mom: Which is?
Dad: Which is we’re not bailing him out. We’re disappointed. We wish he had put his energy
towards something on the up and up.
Mom: We still love him.
Dad: Of course we do, even if we’re very angry. And tell him we’re sorry that we didn’t have the guts to hold him accountable in the past.
(Pause)
Mom: And that’s just … it?
Dad: Yeah, that’s it.
Lights out. [applause]
Marty:
Yeah, this is a tough one. Most of us have a tendency to bail our kids out of the problems that come up. At times you need to bail them out, extend grace to them, but at other times, you need to allow them to shoulder the responsibilities of their actions.
Patty:
I remember when our oldest was in high school and got is driver’s license. He was in a hurry one day and failed to look in his rear view mirror before he backed out of the driveway.
It just so happened that my cousin and her husband were visiting us and he backed into their van. We could have turned the accident into our insurance company, but instead we wanted this to be a lesson to be learned. He had to pay to have their car repaired… $1200.00. It was a tough lesson and it took some time, but now seven years later, it has not happened again.
Marty:
Our actions have consequences. And when you’re a kid, you start to realize that the consequences are shifting. The consequences are shifting from your parents’ responsibility to your own responsibility. And as time goes on, it’s a parent’s job to discern what consequences to let a kid feel.
If you have a 2-year-old kid running around with a butcher knife, you don’t look at him and go, “Well, you need to be careful or you will get cut.” You, instead, grab the knife and help him out.
But, again, as kids get older, you have to figure out how to adjust. When your 10-year-old forgets his homework for the tenth time this year and you run it over to the school to bail him out, what’s going on there? What’s happening? You are bailing them out of their consequences and thus holding them back from growing up.
SLIDE: Allow your kids to feel the consequences of their actions and in doing so, you will help them grow.
We as parents have to push our kids towards wisdom.
How do we do that? Through discipline. Listen to Proverbs 22:15.
Proverbs 22:15
15 A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away.
Marty:
Parents have to discipline the foolishness out of their kids. They have to push them toward wisdom. They need to help their kids become wise and one way is to let them feel the sting of consequences.
Let’s look at the next scene. I think that you will relate to this one.
The Problem of Busyness Written by Margaret Hogan, © 2009 Willow Creek Community Church
Set: Living Room
(A mom is rushing through sorting laundry. She pulls a candy wrapper out from the pocket of a pair of pants.)
Mom: How on earth did this get here?
Emily (age 10) comes into the room.
Emily: Mom! Guess what!
Mom: Em, sweetie, fifteen minutes until we have to walk out the door for basketball. Go get dressed.
Emily: I thought I had violin tonight.
Mom: It’s Tuesday. Basketball. And you’re still wearing your school clothes. Let’s move it!
Emily: But aren’t you going to Erik’s parent night tonight?
Mom: Dad’s going.
(SFX: Cell phone rings)
Mom: (referring to cell phone) I don’t have time to talk to you. (speaking back to Emily) And then Dad’ll swing by and pick you up on the way home, and I’ll get Lucy from work.
Emily: (Emily starts walking towards the kitchen) But I’m so hungry. When do we get dinner?
Mom: Drive thru on the way. Your choice. Oh, that reminds me. Your basketball clothes are on your bed. (picks up cell phone to make a notation to herself) Cookie dough. PTO. Tomorrow.
Emily: Okay. (starts to leave to go get dressed) Oh! But I was going to tell you something!
Mom: Can it wait? Fourteen minutes.
Emily: But it’s exciting!
Mom: Okay, but make it fast. We’re going to be late.
Emily: Well, I can’t really tell you in a hurry, cuz it’s something I wanted to talk about, not just tell you.
Mom: Em, what is it?
Emily: Maybe after we get home from everything, you can have time to hear the whole thing.
Mom: Okay.
Emily: I’m gonna go get dressed now. (exits)
Mom: Okay.
Lights out. [applause]
Marty:
This scene happens every day across our community. Most of us live very busy lives. If you talk to family experts, they’ll tell you one of the top dynamics that wrecks a family is
velocity, speed.
Speed Kills. Speed kills family devotions – who has time for them? Speed kills family prayers – oh, come on, we don’t have time to pray. Can somebody please hurry and say the blessing?
Speed kills the sensitive conversations that need to be had – we’re moving too fast. This is eventually wreck your family.
Patty
We must make time for conversations to happen.
Through the years we have created blocks of time for those conversations to happen on our back porch, during family vacations, church events, or in the simple traditions of eating at a certain restaurant.
If you were at our house on a random Friday night and someone said, “Let’s have pizza.” We could get in different cars and end up in the same place ... Athens Pizza. Of course, it’s no longer in business, but we made some memories there. One reason is that they had round tables and when we sat around those tables we could look into the eyes of people we love.
Marty
Yes, that’s true. Today, it’s not Athens Pizza, but we frequent the Pizza Joint or Pablanos … somewhere that allows us time to connect. We all live busy lives. We need to schedule in time to have conversations with our kids. Not just surface conversations, but times that we can go a little deeper. I believe that conversations can go deeper if we create an atmosphere where people are verified, loved, and accepted.
We parents are responsible for creating environments that allow these kinds of conversation.
Proverbs 20:5
5 Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out.
In families we need the time to be able to draw this out of each other. A kid is a deep well that needs to be drawn out.
SLIDE:
Create Opportunities for your kids to talk and then listen with all of your heart.
Patty
It’s important to take the time to listen. It may be hard at first but eventually you will draw conversations out of them.
We have one more brief scene. I think you’ll remember it a long time.
The Problem with Escalation Written by Margaret
Set: Dining Room
A dad (mid 40’s) sits at a kitchen table. He taps his fingers. Ethan, his high school aged son,
enters the kitchen.
Ethan: Hey, dad. (sits) Sorry, I’m a little nervous.
Dad: Me, too. So …?
Ethan: So … I want to talk to you about something.
Dad: All right.
Ethan: About … the way we’ve been arguing so much.
Dad: Oh, wow. Okay.
Ethan: (pushing through with his statement) Because you’re my dad. And I want us to figure out
a better way to get to the other side of these … um … conflicts.
Dad: Okay.
Ethan: Oh, man. Are you mad?
Dad: No. I’m just … I’m surprised.
Ethan: Actually, my counselor suggested that it might work better if we talked about the way we
argue when we’re not actually in the middle of arguing. And that might help us to make
progress.
Dad: Okay. That makes sense.
Ethan: Okay. Um … when … um … we’re disagreeing about something, it seems like you get
defensive. And then I’m not sure what to do.
Dad: I don’t get defensive!
Ethan: Dad! Sometimes, if I challenge you on something, or think differently, it feels like you
make fun of me. Like maybe you aren’t taking my ideas seriously.
Dad: When do I ever do that?
Ethan: When we were fighting last week about college visits, it felt like you were getting
frustrated with me because I didn’t just agree with the plan you came up with.
Dad: (growing in intensity) You weren’t listening to what I was saying, Ethan. You’ve never gone through this process before. It’s harder than you think.
Ethan: (starting to yell) Dad, you don’t know everything about it. You went to college like a million years ago! It’s not the same thing.
Dad: (topping him, very sarcastically) Well, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I thought I was being helpful. Maybe you should just figure out college yourself.
Ethan: That’s not what I was trying to …
Dad: And if you don’t need me, then you probably don’t need my support either, right? I’m tired
of you disrespecting me.
Ethan: (quietly) But respect isn’t the issue.
Dad: It’s NOT?
Ethan: Dad, disagreeing doesn’t mean disrespecting. You didn’t even let me finish.
Dad: (still tense) Well, by all means then … finish.
Ethan: (near tears) Geez. I respect you, okay? But I get to have an opinion, too, right? Isn’t that
the point? Learning what I think about things and how to make decisions. Last week I tried to
explain to you what my advisor at school said about keeping my options open, but you just made
fun of me. (sighs, recognizing they got sucked in again)
Dad: I was just joking around.
Ethan: Well, it hurt my feelings.
Dad: You’re being way too sensitive!
Ethan: This is what I’m talking about!
(Dad stands)
Dad: Tell your counselor, “great advice.” (storms out and slams door)
(Lights out) [applause]
Marty:
This scene started with promise. Would you agree?

Patty:
Yes, for sure. The kid actually initiates an attempt to make things better.
Marty:
Where did it go wrong?
Patty:
It started to spiral downward when the dad loudly said, “I don’t get defensive.”
Anytime you have to yell, “I don’t get defensive,” you’re probably feeling a little bit defensive at that
point.
And it’s not just all one-sided. When the kid says to the parent, “You went to college, like, a million years ago” – when does exaggeration ever help?
Raising your voice and using words like “always,” “never,” or “everybody” means that the conversation is not going in the right direction. Yelling matches seldom have winners.
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
Marty:
The cringe moment for me was when the Dad got up, ended the conversation and slammed the door. That always makes great Hollywood drama, but it’s terrible for a family.
Every time someone is trying to resolve something and someone bails, makes a dramatic exit—that’s a family headed for trouble. We can’t do that. We can’t just storm out of the room and run from our problems.
Be patient. Listen. Talk in a way people can receive it. We can’t just say, “I’ve had enough. This is too uncomfortable, and walk out.”
We must keep the conversation going and work toward resolving our differences. When we do this God will honored and our family will learn to love in deeper ways.
As we close, I want to pray for families here at the Creek. But, I want to begin by praying for families that are led by single parents. I cannot imagine the pain that you have experienced and the struggle that you have had to endure, but I do know that God understands your situation. He wants to encourage you today. Listen to the words of Psalm 68.
Psalm 68:5-6
5 (God is a ...) Father to the fatherless, defender of widows -- this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
6 God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
Some of you feel all alone, but you are not. God is here and he is a very present help in times of trouble. Please put your trust in him.
To those who are struggling with sibling rivalry and family conflict, it is my prayer that God will give you peace and provide you with an opportunity to make things right.
To those who have children at home, it is my prayer that God will give you the strength to carry on and train them up in the way that they should go and when they are old, they will not depart.
I also want to encourage the parents who have children who have stepped away from the faith, not to give up. Continue to pray. Continue to love and continue to believe that God will complete what He has started in their lives.

Closing Prayer